Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Friday, 6 May 2011

Grand Moff Tarkin Was Unarmed

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More news has emerged of the Rebel forces attack which killed Grand Moff Tarkin.

Questions are being asked now it has been revealed that Grand Moff Tarkin was unarmed during the Rebel attack on his Death Star hideout.

A spokesperson for the Rebel forces claims that Tarkin had powerful weapons within reach at the moment when the battle station was destroyed.

Mr Stevens, Death Star Canteen Manager has painted a picture of Death Star workers and Imperial Stormtroopers sitting down to enjoy Penne Al'Arrabiata when the attack took place.

"I was in the office when a member of staff came and asked me to speak to a Jeff Vader who was complaining about the wet trays...... Penne Al'Arrabiata, the peas were my idea to boost sales"


This scene in the Situation Room of the Oval Bunker on Tatooine shows intense concentration as the raid unfolds. The photo unintentionally reveals a National Security Carp on the left. This blunder may well compromise their future ability to perform as a fish.

The people of Alderaan were asked to comment about the legality of the actions taken by Rebel forces.............................

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Vin Bladen's Secret Hideout

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NewsVids across the Galaxy tonight can reveal details of the raid on Vin Bladen's top secret hideout on Plastistan I


Commandos from Imperial Navy Orca Team 6 stormed the compound. One Dropship developed a bit of a migraine and made a hard landing on an Talikabani Elvis Convention - "Death to the Infidel! Thank you very much, Uhahha. "

Imperial Navy Orca Team 6

After a 45 minute melee at the 24 hour buffet, Orca Team 6 overpowered the guards, chatted up a couple of showgirls and brought swift justice to Vin Bladen who was shot whilst resisting a prawn canope.

A spokesquid for Plastistan I issued the following official communique.... "Doh!"


Cheers
Mark

 Actually........ I think I have just come up with a scenario!

Saturday, 23 April 2011

The Last King of England

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With Royal Wedding fever gripping that media, it's time for an alternative look at the future of the British monarchy.

Wills and Kate get married, that's a given.

William, shy of media attention and very much mindful of what happened to his mother, does an Edward and abdicates. Kate makes a very lovely Mrs Simpson and so they live a Posh and Becks lifestyle as the darlings of Matha's Vineyard and HELLO reads everywhere.

The succession passes directly from Elizabeth II to Harry. The 'Goth' King of England. 

England? Because the constitutional crisis will be an excuse to flame the devlovution debate.  Harry will be the last King of England and he may even see the balkanisation of the British Isles during his reign and maybe be party to the creation of a Republic.

 Monarchist Forces, 2021

Great excuse for a VBCW set in 2014 or even Tomorrow's War country of 2020.

Cheers
Mark

Monday, 18 April 2011

The Comet Cometh: Tsunami

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The time has come to make the truth known. There is NO international banking crisis. Governments across the world are colluding with a fabricated story in order to move the massive amounts of funds required into building secret watertight bunkers.

Within these bunkers, government officials, selected civil servants together with key scientific and honorific personages will ride out the impending 2012 apocalypse that will see a Tsunami 60 meters high cross the globe.........

Or so someone earnestly told me last week. Really. And you know what? I find this eminently more believable than the coalition in power claiming that the UK is almost broke. But we can afford to fight wars on two continents, yet can't afford the planes, ships or pilots to actually fight those wars, but oh, can afford a Royal Wedding (Wag The Dog anyone?) and still have spare change to bail out other countries....but I thought WE had NO money... we either do or we don't.

On a serious note. The natural disaster that struck Japan a few weeks back was shocking, almost unbelievable. Whilst a powerful spectacle of destruction, what we witnessed was very much a human tragedy. I was reminded of Obi-Wan Kenobi  in Star Wars sensing the destruction of Alderaan, "I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."




I wondered what would happen to us if such an event struck the coast of North East Scotland? What if an Icelandic volcano created a tsunami in the North Sea? What if the predictions for 2012 are correct? 


The Press & Journal would report "A North-East town was destroyed by the apocalypse....more on page 5. Win £100 of Scuba Gear". Meanwhile many of the major population centres of the NE would be drowned listening to Drive Time on North Sound 1. 

Given the local lie of the land and that we are 200 foot above sea level wth a range of hills between us and the sea, would we be spared? The answer appeears to be - just. A break in the hills caused by the local river would allow a 50 metre rise in sea water to penetrate the south western edge of the valley and bring the floodwater to within 20 metres of our home.


Click on map for larger image


A sobering thought, because it also depends upon the power behind the wave. Personally, as long as I'm not caught at work, I'm heading for the hills - the big green splodge on the map above. I have my hidy hole picked out. Just in case of a Zombie apocalypse you understand. It can happen at any time. The Zombie apocalypse that is. LOL!


If you want to see what effect any rise in sea levels from 0-60 metres would have on your locality or for creating a post apocalypse map - click here. You can manually adjust the sea level rise in the top left hand corner using the drop down box. 


NASA's take on 2012 is here. But of course you can't trust what they say, they are in on the plot. They are a government agency and the government don't want to panic the masses. They are right about one thing though (allegedly), and that is the movie 2012 simply sucked!

Cheers
Mark